Next time someone steals candy from your child, call me! I'll slap a million dollar suit on the mothafucka for causing emotional distress to your family and the childhood trauma your child faces because of the candy-snatching.
If your child turns out to be a candy-snatcher, I'll slap a million dollar suit on the baby for provoking and threatening your child with a mean candy. The only thing your child will be guilty of is self-defense.
You don't think I'd be a good lawyer? I object!
Here's the evidence to my kickass lawyer skills:
What sets me apart from regular lawyers?
For starters, I look good in black.
You won't be just a client for me. You'll be a real human to me...with real money. I won't be choosy about myclients humans. Except if you are not at least a millionaire.
I am a 100% certified Pokemon trainer. Courtroom battles are no different from Pokemon battles.
I would improve the court atmosphere by playing appropriate background music to match the current mood of the jury. When things go rough, I'll play suspense music. When I save the day, I'll play hip music. I'll also have an applause sound effect, in case the audience turns out to be dull.
If movies have taught me anything, it's that at first things need to look bad. So even if I know a way to win the case, I won't use it immediately. Where's the fun without a little suspense? Then at the end...BAM! I win the case in one swift move by bringing up a legal loophole nobody else thought of.
I'll throw in Latin phrases occasionally. And Japanese if needed. I'll also use big words on purpose, hoping nobody else knows what it means either. "Your honour, this claim is absolutely saxicolous!"
Court appeals are just the adult versions of "but mooooooom!". I have had sufficient training in that as a child.
You will not have to hire a private investigator because I'd be a great spy. I am a very nosy person, it's a very useful trait. All I need would be my spy wig, spy hat, spy shades, spy trench coat and spy nicotine pipe. Bonus points if the opponent is hot, I am an excellent stalker.
I'll always give you good news. Every bad news has a silver lining and I'll magically turn the silver lining into a whole cloud. For example, if you have been sentenced to death, then I'll try to postpone the execution date so that I can tell you, "No noose is good noose."
I have zero ethics. You don't have to worry about me going easy on the opponent. Burying evidence is as easy as hiding chocolates from my siblings or report cards from my mom or other stuff from hostel wardens.
I have had lots of training from shows and movies such asLegally Blonde, Suits, Better Call Saul and How to Get Away with Murder.
Told ya, I'm good. You have just been lawyered!
Is there someone you would like to see rot in jail or legally take away their money? Do you wanna file a petition to observe Mondays as weekends? Do you wanna legalize...stuff? Should Nutella Day be a national holiday? Better Call Safwa!
P.S: Do you know what saxicolous means?
If your child turns out to be a candy-snatcher, I'll slap a million dollar suit on the baby for provoking and threatening your child with a mean candy. The only thing your child will be guilty of is self-defense.
You don't think I'd be a good lawyer? I object!
Here's the evidence to my kickass lawyer skills:
For starters, I look good in black.
You won't be just a client for me. You'll be a real human to me...with real money. I won't be choosy about my
I am a 100% certified Pokemon trainer. Courtroom battles are no different from Pokemon battles.
I would improve the court atmosphere by playing appropriate background music to match the current mood of the jury. When things go rough, I'll play suspense music. When I save the day, I'll play hip music. I'll also have an applause sound effect, in case the audience turns out to be dull.
If movies have taught me anything, it's that at first things need to look bad. So even if I know a way to win the case, I won't use it immediately. Where's the fun without a little suspense? Then at the end...BAM! I win the case in one swift move by bringing up a legal loophole nobody else thought of.
I'll throw in Latin phrases occasionally. And Japanese if needed. I'll also use big words on purpose, hoping nobody else knows what it means either. "Your honour, this claim is absolutely saxicolous!"
Court appeals are just the adult versions of "but mooooooom!". I have had sufficient training in that as a child.
You will not have to hire a private investigator because I'd be a great spy. I am a very nosy person, it's a very useful trait. All I need would be my spy wig, spy hat, spy shades, spy trench coat and spy nicotine pipe. Bonus points if the opponent is hot, I am an excellent stalker.
I'll always give you good news. Every bad news has a silver lining and I'll magically turn the silver lining into a whole cloud. For example, if you have been sentenced to death, then I'll try to postpone the execution date so that I can tell you, "No noose is good noose."
I have zero ethics. You don't have to worry about me going easy on the opponent. Burying evidence is as easy as hiding chocolates from my siblings or report cards from my mom or other stuff from hostel wardens.
I have had lots of training from shows and movies such as
Told ya, I'm good. You have just been lawyered!
***
Is there someone you would like to see rot in jail or legally take away their money? Do you wanna file a petition to observe Mondays as weekends? Do you wanna legalize...stuff? Should Nutella Day be a national holiday? Better Call Safwa!
P.S: Do you know what saxicolous means?
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